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In the Devil's Den
(Editor's Note: This article is a ThePWF.com Exclusive.)
This will end badly.
In
December 2006, the Professional Wrestling Federation was forced to
close its doors -- hopefully temporarily -- as the result of a lawsuit
made by perhaps the most disgruntled employee since the phrase "going
postal" stopped making sense, Christian. Many a hearing has taken place
since that time, and the one constant has been Eric Bischoff's poor
performance. From all accounts, our esteemed leader has behaved badly
in the courtroom, attempting to carry himself with the same swagger he
displays each and every week on Wargames. No doubt this is legal advice
given to him by that most untrustworthy source, PWF Magazine editor and
noted scoundrel Dominic Jones. If Panjabe were at the side of Mr.
Bischoff, you can rest assured that not only would this sordid mess be
over by now but also that Christian would be begging for mercy as
Panjabe sat in hot-headed judgment of him.
Unfortunately,
Panjabe T. Ishboo (the "T" still stands for "Totally Awesome"), the
boffoest of all those who dare call themselves boffo dudes, is not in
fact at the side of Eric Bischoff, and Christian is most certainly not
begging for mercy. In fact, he has said very little publicly since this
whole affair began, and that, dear reader, is downright strange.
Christian, as we all know, is a talker. Nary a week goes by without
numerous statements coming from him, and yet, this time around, he has
been virtually silent. So when word came down early this week that the
trial of the century would begin on Feb. 1, 2007, I made it my
personal mission to track down this man who has become death, destroyer
of worlds, and wrench the words right out of him, the words that we all
know he wants to say.
Of
course, no one has as many super-secret inside sources as Panjabe
Ishboo, and through these incredible fountains of information, I made
contact with the offices of Excellent Enterprises. They informed me in
no uncertain terms that Christian would not be giving any interviews. I
tried to explain to them that this was my personal mission, that I
simply had to be permitted to speak with the architect of the PWF's
downfall. Sympathy did not ooze from them as one would expect. I was
shut down, hard. They wouldn't even let me talk to Kimona or Edge, and
they're both all over the news, giving interviews to anyone with a
microphone. Does Panjabe not rate? Unacceptable, this chicanery! They
even said no to my request to speak to Mike Flynn! I would have
accepted even Jake Roberts, and still, I was denied like a common fool!
Well,
fine. Panjabe's personal mission was shot down by Chuck Norris pointing
his finger and yelling "Bang." But giving up is not in my nature, so
onward and upward I decided to go! If I couldn't talk to Christian ...
then there was only one man familiar enough with the inner workings of
Excellent Enterprises to give me the information I required. This time,
there would be no phone calls to a corporate office. There would be no
asking for an interview. Panjabe was going on a road trip, baby! A road
trip ... by plane. To Virginia.
So
there I stood, recorder in hand, pad of questions at the ready, on the
doorstep of the man who was once among the most powerful in wrestling
history. I had a choice. I could turn back now, return to the offices
of PWF Magazine, and tell the witless Dominic Jones that I had been
turned down again. No one would expect otherwise. No one would think I
had not even asked. Or ... I could ring that bell and take a chance and hope against hope that, somehow, he would answer my questions.
It was
impossible to expect him to acquiesce. There was no chance he would
accept.
I took a chance. And, amazingly, impossibly, it paid off.
Excellence
was willing to talk to me. Willing, hell; he practically dragged me
into his lavish abode, took me on the grand tour, even let me into the
fabled trophy room. Retirement did something to him. He's -- I don't
know if this is the word -- content. Not happy, exactly, but also not
angry at the world anymore. It was almost surreal, listening to him
talk about how he's looking forward to getting into the studio with Jim
Ross to work on a DVD detailing the last year of his career. Of course,
I was there with a goal in mind, so I tried to direct our conversation
towards the lawsuit. He immediately picked up on what I was doing, of
course, and continued to talk about how he and Lauren Michelle Hill had
just spent a week in Atlantic City.
He's
a tricky one, this Excellence. But Panjabe is trickier. I knew he had
not really been to Atlantic City -- he was just trying to avoid the
topic of the lawsuit. So I began to press him for details on his
supposed vacation. ... Unfortunately, he obviously did his research and
made up many answers that sounded realistic. Or he was really in
Atlantic City. I began to doubt myself. Still, I would not be denied. I
had to know about this lawsuit. Finally, he relented and agreed to
talk about it. I asked him if he had been to any of the hearings, and
he said he had not.
He
claimed he didn't know for certain if the allegations made by Christian
and Mike Flynn were accurate or not. How could he not know? This was
utterly, utterly ridiculous. I demanded he defend himself for this
foolishness. His response? "Frankly, I didn't care. I had more
important things to worry about than that." A buck-passing if I have
ever heard one, readers around the world! He even had the gall to claim
that he hasn't spoken with Christian since November. Can you believe
this? I certainly did not, and I told him so!
Laughter
was his response. I could not tell if this was mirthful or evil
laughter. He asked me what exactly I was proposing, if I was claiming
he was behind the lawsuit, that he had goaded Christian into filing it
on his behalf as some kind of revenge for the death of his career. I
had to admit that it sounded like an Excellence-style plan to me.
Surprisingly, he agreed with me, but followed that up by informing me
that he wasn't exactly Excellence anymore. "Besides," he said with a
knowing look in his eye, "what would it gain me? Even if I wanted Eric
Bischoff to suffer, and I do, getting the entire PWF shut down is a lot
of collateral damage for just one little piece of revenge. No, no ...
if and when it happens, he'll be the only target."
A
chilling look at the future. Then he showed me a hand-written copy of
what he intended to say the week after WrestleFest II if he had been
victorious.
Thank God Mr. Perfect won.
So,
I didn't get the answers I wanted. I don't have any new insight into
this lawsuit, and I haven't found huge, gaping holes in Christian's
arguments just waiting to be exploited by an enterprising young
attorney such as myself. Yes, I know I am not an attorney, but the
court doesn't have to know that. Maybe my personal quest ended in
failure -- this time. But I came away with something even better. I
stole Excellence's leather Pacers jacket when he wasn't looking.
I knew this would end well.
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