Kimona: "I agree with the lawsuit"
Mar. 10, 2007

These days, former PWF Intercontinental, Television, and Tag Team Champion Christian goes by many names. To the court of law in the state of Alabama, he is William Jason Reso, head of a corporation that has filed suit against the Professional Wrestling Federation and Eric Bischoff. To most PWF superstars, he is the man who is single-handedly keeping them out of work following one of the hottest periods for the wrestling business in recent history, costing them untold money. To the members of VCW, he is a champion for their rights. And of course, to Eric Bischoff, he's a rotten bastard.

Thus far, no PWF competitor not affiliated with VCW has come out in favor of Christian's lawsuit, but several have explicitly stated their displeasure with recent events. Raven was the first to speak out, placing the blame not just on Christian, but more firmly on the shoulders of "Magnificent" Mike Flynn. Soon afterwards, Armando Alejandro Estrada, manager of Umaga, admitted that while he didn't blame Christian for his actions, he would still unleash his Samoan Bulldozer upon him at the earliest convenience. Even the mysterious man known only as The Spoiler chimed in, although he still managed to evade the question despite instigating the interview. Most recently, PWF Champion James Ace made his feelings clear, openly mocking Christian for what he felt was a cowardly way of getting back at Eric Bischoff.

For the record, ThePWF.com would like to congratulate James Ace for his forthright stance.

Earlier today, Christian's VCW cronies held a press conference of sorts, updating any interested parties on the current status of the lawsuit. Apparently, after a somewhat volatile opening day, both Christian and Mr. Bischoff calmed themselves down and both sides have begun making some compelling arguments. That's all well and good, but here at ThePWF.com, we have our own priorities. The intricacies of the legal system aren't what interests us -- what we want to know is when the PWF will reopen its doors. To that end, the PWF's own Panjabe Ishboo sat down with VCW's Kimona Wanalaya after the press conference, trying to get some answers.

I know. You don't like Panjabe Ishboo. Neither do we. But he won't go away. So as long as we're stuck with him ... so are you. Deal with it.

Panjabe Ishboo: This is Panjaaaabe Ishboo here for ThePWF.com, where one day it will be possible to own not only a CD of music from people who don't wrestle anymore, but perhaps even a CD of music for people such as Panjabe, who have never wrestled and never will. Unless, of course, it is against the despicable Dominic Jones, editor extraordinaire ... if by extraordinaire you mean "really bad." Anyway! Today, Panjabe is joined by a, what, four-time Slammy Award winner?

Kimona Wanalaya: Five. WOOSH WOOSH!

Ishboo: Five? You are making Panjabe count. Let me see. Two Divas of the Year. Diva of the Years? What is proper? If only Panjabe had an editor who had a basic grasp of fundamental English grammar to solve these dilemmas. Two of them, plus one Feud of the Year, plus a Stable of the Year ... this equals four.

Wanalaya: TWO Stables of the Year. Or Stable of the Years. Whichever is, as you say, proper.

Ishboo: How is it two? Clearly, you were not part of the Perfect Team's balloted team in 2006.

Wanalaya: Okay, look. You don't deny my 2005 Slammy.

Ishboo: No, clearly not.

Wanalaya: Yet, for the 2005 voting period, I was in the Perfect Team for, what, a month? Meanwhile, I was there in 2006's period for like FIVE months. That's four more months!

Ishboo: Ah, but you were there for the LAST month of 2005. What have you done for Panjabe lately, this is the way of the world.

Wanalaya: Perhaps. But, I ninja-stole the statue. Thus, five. And it's really kind of six because I happen to have the 2005 Tag Team of the Year statue, too.

Ishboo: How? Why? I do not understand.

Wanalaya: Edge tried to bribe me with it. Six IS the new five, after all.

Ishboo: ... you have flabbergasted Panjabe, but nevertheless, we shall proceed with the interview, which was derailed in its opening moments. Panjabe is HERE with multi-Slammy winner and two-time PWF Women's Champion Kimona Wanalaya, and yes, Panjabe would.

Wanalaya: Would what?

Ishboo: I ask the questions here! NOW THEN! Why have you not yet used your feminine wiles to charm Christian into dropping his ludicrous suit, thus letting Panjabe and the many other popular PWF employees get back to the business of making fun of Sean Gunn on a daily and sometimes hourly basis? Oh, and wrestling. Some of them wrestle.

Wanalaya: Excuse me?

Ishboo: You heard Panjabe!

Wanalaya: I won't even dignify that with a response. I agree with the lawsuit. Why would I want him to drop it?

Ishboo: Why must you persist in asking questions? You know that Panjabe is the one doing the interviewing here.

Wanalaya: Well, you're doing a piss-poor job of it.

Ishboo: You're a loose cannon, missy! You're off the force!

Wanalaya: I'm not ON a force.

Ishboo: Not anymore, you're not! Now, are you going to answer my queries or continue to be difficult?

Wanalaya: Fine, ask me some questions.

Ishboo: What's with the ninja thing?

Wanalaya: That's right, I'm a ninja. WOOSH WOOSH!

Ishboo: Ninjas don't go WOOSH WOOSH, Buff Bagwell does.

Wanalaya: That's ninja talk. I'm taking it back. But yeah, ninja. That's what I'm going to be from now on. Stealthy. Quick and sudden. Ninja-like, in all aspects.

Ishboo: Why?

Wanalaya: This is wrestling. I'm Asian. Hence, I must know kung fu.

Ishboo: This is ridiculous. Ninjas do not practice kung fu.

Wanalaya: Well whatever it is, I know how to do it! Do not question me. I look forward to killing you soon.

Ishboo: Mm-hmm. Now, Panjabe's understanding is that you are a representative of sorts for Christian, since public statements during a trial are apparently some kind of no-no.

Wanalaya: Essentially, yes.

Ishboo: So, what the people want to know is how does Christian respond to accusations by, for instance, PWF Champion James Ace that his lawsuit is the coward's way out for a man who cannot settle his problems in the ring?

Wanalaya: See, I knew he'd start with that crap. Well, I knew SOMEONE would. The fact that it was James Ace, you know, that just seals the deal. What you have to understand is that Christian was perfectly willing to settle all of his problems in the ring. Does Terminal Solution ring a bell?

Ishboo: Event names generally lack the manual dexterity required to perform such a task.

Wanalaya: I MEAN, do you remember it? You know, a little "I Quit" match between Christian and Eric Bischoff, a match where Eric Bischoff was left in a pool of his own blood, gasping for what could very well have been his last breath had Christian decided to kill him that very night? I know James Ace doesn't remember since he was sitting on his ass at the time, not doing a damn thing. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. From the very beginning, Christian has been trying to settle his problems in the ring. Whether it was Rick Rude, or Steve Austin, or more recently such jackasses as Mr. Perfeito or James Ace ... is James Ace looking at some world that does not exist where Christian has been backing away from fights? Is he even ignoring the chance he, himself, had to beat Christian and, ohhhhh, failed? Lost? Got beat? Stood idly by watching as the love of his life was WAYLAID by none other than myself? The problem is not that Christian won't settle his problems in the ring. The problem is that people are afraid to step into the ring with him.

Ishboo: An interesting theory.

Wanalaya: Theory, nothing! Even that John Cena, who James Ace supposedly respects ... which is a laugh in and of itself, the idea of James Ace respecting anyone he's not related to ... last time Cena was in the PWF, running around as the PWF Champion, Christian beat HIM, too. James Ace wants to rant about who wants things handed to them and who doesn't, he needs to take a look in the mirror and realize he's only the PWF Champion because of a random draw after Mr. Perfeito QUIT. Meanwhile, Christian beat a reigning PWF Champion [Cena] by pinfall of all things, and when he feels slighted over never getting a title shot, it's because he just wants things HANDED to him? Can someone explain this to me? Can someone tell me what exactly you're supposed to have to do to get a shot, if beating the champion is not enough? Is that too much to ask? You know, we tried to play ball. We tried to work within the system. And some guy who only has a belt today because he got a random draw to face a guy who had already won two matches that same night and a guy who hadn't won two matches ALL YEAR LONG wants to say that Christian has resorted to the dirtiest tactic of all? Come on!

Ishboo: You sound taken with the lad.

Wanalaya: Look, that's ... that's neither here nor there.

Ishboo: WELL WHERE IS IT THEN?

Wanalaya: You are NOT Chris Jericho.

Ishboo: Sadly, no. If I were ... I would have bedded you on multiple consecutive occasions.

Wanalaya: ANYway ... my private life is just that. Private. I'm just trying to make the points that I think Christian would want to make if he wasn't working day and night on this lawsuit. I just think it's ridiculous that someone can accomplish everything Christian has in the PWF, and then when he feels slighted by the raw deal he's gotten in return from the company's management, it's suddenly HIS fault. I mean, people are obviously forgetting who's in the wrong here. Eric Bischoff thinks he can play god. He thinks he can do no wrong and that anyone who is against him is just insane. Well, this time he's gone too far, and he's gone up against someone who KNOWS where the blame lies, who has his faculties about him. Eric Bischoff has stepped into a world of hurt by messing with Christian, both physical hurt at Terminal Solution and, now, financial as well. There's some collateral damage, yes. People like Osama Rodriguez Alejandro or whoever ...

Ishboo: Who?

Wanalaya: I don't know, the guy with the fat Samoan. I don't bother to learn their names until they've been around for a year or so anymore. I'm stuck with way too many Alex Shelley jokes that I'll never get to use, for instance. The point is, yeah, people like him are hurt by this. But that's not Christian's fault. It's Eric Bischoff's fault. And, you know what, it's kind of their own faults, as well. They chose to support a company that is actively engaged in illegal activity. So bring on the fat Samoans, bring on the James Aces and the Del Wilkeseses ... Wilkeses? I don't even know anymore. The Dels. They'll be whomped. They'll be whomped like very few before them ever have been, and we're talking about the Natural Born Thrillers right here, lame and already beaten competition that they are. I'm all fired up with vindication right here! For this is the day of righteous fury and indignation! Ninja-style!

Ishboo: I see. And who exactly trained you in the art of the ninja?

Wanalaya: Huh? I dunno. A super ninja. It could only have been a super ninja, to have trained one as already awesome as myself.

Ishboo: A super ninja.

Wanalaya: That's right. The superest of the super ninjas. So super that I am nearly already a super ninja myself, just from the training.

Ishboo: You know what, forget I asked. Back on topic, then. So you've decided to blame OTHER PWF superstars for their own anger?

Wanalaya: Hey, if they're going to piss and moan over this, they deserve whatever they get! At least Raven has the right idea. He's cutting the dead weight loose from the New Breed and getting ready for the future. Not like these other -- and really there's no other word for them -- bitches. It's not sour grapes on our part, it's sour grapes on THEIR part. They couldn't beat Christian in the ring, and guess what? Now they can't beat him in the courtroom either, and they're scared. Out of their minds. Mr. Perfeito, supposedly the greatest and best dude ever in the world, QUIT THE PWF rather than step into the ring with him. So for a James Ace or a random Cuban to be afraid, you know, that's nothing to be ashamed of for them, not really. They should embrace their fear.

Ishboo: The three people who saw the Team SEC Christmas Special want to know -- who won?

Wanalaya: Who won what?

Ishboo: Come on, you know. You and Edge. Snowball War.

Wanalaya: Yeah, nobody knows what you're talking about.

Ishboo: At least three people do. And those three people are wondering.

Wanalaya: Well, they can just keep on wondering.

Ishboo: So Edge won.

Wanalaya: What? I didn't say that.

Ishboo: Yes, but had you won, you would have been trumpeting it to the heavens. Your refusal to say it means that you must have lost. If I recall, that means you would have had to-

Wanalaya: Okay, you know what? Interview over.

Ishboo: Ow! Do not ninja-kick Panjabe!

Wanalaya: Told you I was a ninja.