Edge: The Video
Mar. 18, 2007

Former PWF Television and Tag Team Champion Edge sent a video to the offices of ThePWF.com that can only be termed as disturbing on many different levels.

[THEPWF.COM MEDIA PLAYER » PLAY]

(Fade in from black on Edge clad in the nearly-mythical Absolut SEC t-shirt, of which only two were made before being pulled from the market, in a darkened room, looking right into the camera.)

Edge:
That thing on?

(The camera "nods.")

Edge:
Good. Don't shake it, though. Well, feel free to shake it. Constantly. Just not the camera. If you get my meeeeaning!

Hiromi Oshima (from off-camera):
I do.

Edge:
At any rate! Greetings, loyal viewers! You are in the presence of the Sensational and Dynamic Edge, who is not here today to speak to you as a professional wrestler who just so happens to be incredibly attractive to those of the female persuasion ... well, I still am, but that's not ALL I'm here for today! For you see, hostile doings have transpired. Events are conspiring even as I speak! You might wonder how a concept such as events could in fact logically be conspiring, but what you have to understand is that the Vulcan Science Ministry has determined that time travel is impossible! Her disappearance remains a mystery, I am deeply concerned~!

Hiromi Oshima:
Whose disappearance?

Edge:
It's a line. Anyway! Since the tragic death of Captain America last Wednesday, the world has wondered, what is Edge's response to this? Well, when I read that fateful issue and saw Cappy gunned down on the street like a punk, taken oo-out by snipery snipetitude, I have to confess! I was hungry. Pretty hungry. So I went to KFC and got aboo-out twenty honey barbecue wings, because hey, those things are good. Except I ordered the boneless ones and they gave me the normal kind, which ended up okay because those are cheaper anyway, and the sauce is usually better on them, I'm not sure why, but the boneless ones aren't as, I dunno, juicy or something. The sauce seems older on them? I don't know if that's the word to use. Well, my point is, it was a good lunch. So while Captain America might be dead, I'm proud to say that his spirit lives on in the American tradition of fast food. Besides, now that Batgirl's not evil anymore, I can read DC again withoo-out cringing.

Hiromi Oshima:
Edge? I don't think this is what you intended to talk about.

Edge:
Well of course it's not. But I have to warm the people up. Edit that oo-out, by the way. The bit aboo-out me saying I'm going to warm the people up. And this other part explaining it.

Hiromi Oshima:
I don't know how to edit.

(He raises a finger and holds his mouth open for a second, then drops his head in shame.)

Edge:
Huh. Well, leave it in, then. All will be well.

(He looks back up.)

Edge:
So, I guess I should just get right to the point, huh?

Hiromi Oshima:
Little late for that.

Edge:
I dunno, I feel weird. I'm trying to think how I should start.

Hiromi Oshima:
Just say what you want to say.

Edge:
Just tried that. Ended up talking aboo-out Captain America and Batgirl. Was only one tangent away from a rant aboo-out Disgaea. For instance, I was wondering, how did Axel KNOW there were invisible lasers?

Hiromi Oshima:
... made it up.

Edge:
Oh, well that makes sense. Uh, so anyway, hello, oo-out there on ThePWF.com! Soon this video will be sent to them and they will put it up and you will watch it! Since I didn't win any Slammys this year somehow, I figure I am OWED some screentime.

Hiromi Oshima:
How is that the case?

(Edge slaps his forehead in disbelief.)

Edge:
HELLO! Those speeches at the Slammys? So bad they wouldn't even put them ON the site! Only like two made the cut, and you know why? Because Heenan was BORING and Perfeito didn't show. And do NOT get me started aboo-out those other chumpstains. The point is, since their speeches sucked and/or did not exist, the world looks to me for leadership, for visionariness, for insight, and above all else, for prolific speaking! So, while people like, I dunno, Stupidface James Ace, Raven, Armaaaaaando and other such people are doing interviews, the people of the world sit back, see these things, and they go, "You know, the Kimona interview wasn't bad, but what the hell was that thing with The Spoiler? Sucked. Who cares that Raven fired Randy Savage? He deserved it for bailing on Edge in the Tournament of Turbulence. In fact, screw all these people, I want to know what Edge thinks!" It's quite the thought process, if you ask me.

Hiromi Oshima:
And every PWF fan had these thoughts?

Edge:
Not the dumbasses who cheer for people like John Cena or non-Cansupes-Cansupes, but otherwise, yeah. So to satiate their hunger for hearing me speak, I am here, speaking! Aboo-out what? Nobody knows! Because, well, to be honest with you, Christian's not letting me look at any of his secret legal documents. I'm all oo-out of the loop and crap. In the meantime, here is some rampant and random speculation! Eric Bischoff will be found GUILTY~!, and sentenced to twelve years in the labor camp on the moon of Cardassia IV! During his incarceration, the PWF will be allowed to continue operations, under the leadership of a council consisting of Jim Ross, Johnny Asterix, Tony Kornheiser, Chris Berman, and myself! I will take command of the council after three weeks and declare myself dictator for life!

Hiromi Oshima:
Oh, just like I did with Parts Unknown.

(He nods.)

Edge:
Yes. And once that's done, I will have Raven II: Electric Boogaloo found and executed!

Hiromi Oshima:
What? Why?

(He shrugs his shoulders.)

Edge:
Quit like a punk. Furthermore, Canadian will become the official language of the PWF. All shall be forced to say oot and aboot, and no longer must I abide by rigid and inflexible rules of language by saying oo-out and aboo-out!

Hiromi Oshima:
Wait, are you saying you say oo-out and aboo-out because you think it's against the rules to do otherwise?

Edge:
ISN'T IT?

Hiromi Oshima:
I don't think so.

Edge:
Son of a bitch! Okay, new plan! Once I am dictator of the PWF, I shall institute a ban on masks! Also, on people named James Ace, or on people related to him! The horror of Sean Gunn shall never return! ONLY SITH DEAL IN ABSOLUTES~!

Hiromi Oshima:
That's an absolute itself, Obi Wan.

Edge:
... that's it, video over. Everyone go home. I can take no more of this.

(Fade to black.)

[THEPWF.COM MEDIA PLAYER » STOP]