Like a Phoenix from the ashes
by Panjabe Ishboo
Feb. 24, 2006

(Editor's Note: ThePWF.com takes no responsibility for the statements of Mr. Ishboo.)

Panjabe Ishboo, Internet superstar and all-around sensation here. Long-time readers know that it is simply not like me to go so long between these exclusive articles, but since the overall level of ridiculousness had been so low for so long, I had thought it somewhat less than essential to keep the entire world apprised of my status on a daily basis. Even so, the floodgates were clearly lifted, as my inbox has been under a constant deluge of e-mails ever since my last missive, detailing the greatest World Champions in wrestling history. Also, a number of highly comical events have taken place since then, such as the return of Taz and his New Breed jackals to active competition, and with all these goings-on going on, it seems like now is indeed the proper time for me to re-enter the online world. Today's column is little more than an excuse to clear out some of the more pressing e-mails I have received, but rest assured that over time I will return to the sort of hard-hitting, insightful commentary that you ingrates have loved for so very long. So, with all that said, let us jump right into the onslaught of e-mail querying!

Stephanie M. of Stamford, Conn., writes: "Panjabe, how could you possibly not have John Cena ranked among the greatest World Champions of all-time? He is both the Doctor of Thuganomics and a man who comes full-force in every match with the intensity of 10 cities live! Why does real not recognize real?"

Panjabe responds: This e-mail itself is what you could call "apocryphal." Much like the wrestling talent of Sean Gunn, it does not exist. Rather, it is a conglomerate of dozens upon dozens of e-mails that I have received from readers over the past few months. There are a number of reasons John Cena was not listed among the greatest World Champions of all-time, such as the fact that he was only able to defeat Excellence due to the interference of a mysterious man in black, he lost the title in his very first defense BOTH times he held it, and his idea of rapping is to rhyme "Ex" with "Ex." But as great and uncompromising as all those reasons are, an even better one is the simple fact that when the article was written, WrestleFest had not yet taken place, and so he was not a World Champion at all, let alone among the greatest of all-time. To put someone on a list of great champions when that same person had, in fact, never held a title would be, to put it mildly, stupid.

Kristina L. of Chris Jericho's Sweetest Sweet Sweet Dreams writes: "What are the chances of you writing a column explaining who the greatest divas in the PWF are? I mean, we all know the truth of the matter already, but obviously someone like Kimona deserves as many words written about her as possible, am I right?"

Panjabe responds: The late Waldorf Gipper actually penned a column on the ladies of the PWF several months ago. I know that many fans would like to see a more cultured analysis of these women, but PWF Magazine editor Dominic Jones does not like to see the same topic covered by multiple writers without "enough time" going by to justify revisiting it. In the meantime, here's a preview ... "Yes, Kimona is hot, and Panjabe would like to bone her." That's exactly the sort of high-brow, unbiased commentary you are always going to get from Panjabe Ishboo, Internet superstar.

Curt H. of Robbinsdale, Minn., writes: "First of all, you're spot-on in your declaration of Mr. Perfect being the greatest World Champion of all-time. In Mr. Perfect, you've got a guy who has defeated literally each and every big name in professional wrestling over the last decade. Even so, I have to take umbrage with the idea that somehow Edge and Christian could be listed above the Robbinsdale Mafia on your list of great tag teams when the Mafia defeated those two goofs at No Escape. What's it going to take for Mr. Perfect and Rick Rude to get the respect they deserve?"

Panjabe responds: The Masked Men dominated tag team wrestling throughout the years 2000 and 2001, in both the HWA and SCW. Mr. Perfect and Rick Rude, while a great team, essentially stopped having tag team matches with any frequency after losing the PWF Tag Team Championship at La Mala Sombra. That's taking nothing away from the Mafia, and even being on the list at all should be considered a monumental accomplishment considering some of the great teams that did not even make it, such as No Limit, Power & Glory, or the New Era. I simply can't in good conscience move the Mafia up the list at this time. If anything, the Masked Men may end up moving even further towards the top.

Johnny A. of Norfolk, Va., writes: "New Breed. What the hell?"

Panjabe responds: Just say no to drugs, kids. ... with apologies to Lance Storm, from whom I stole this wonderfully perfect response.

Adam C. of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, writes: "Where the hell are the Natural Born Thrillers lately? I have this theory that they were abducted by aliens and replaced by POD PEOPLE~! Does anyone else agree with this? I can't go on much longer without my weekly dose of Mike Sanders and Shawn Stasiak, you know what I mean?"

Panjabe responds: I know exactly what you mean, and if my dear Thrillers have in fact been replaced with these pod people of which you speak, let me join the assembled voices of those calling for the illegalization of pod-people-related abductions around the world.

Scott L. of Worcester, Mass., writes: "Isn't it complete BS how Eric Bischoff got rid of the Extreme title as soon as Raven won it? Don't pretend like we don't all know why, Monopoly-sympathizer!"

Panjabe responds: Even prior to it being captured by a completely out-of-date, overworked idiot like Raven, the PWF Extreme Championship had essentially run its course. For all intents and purposes, the title was originally created for two reasons ... to get as many people onto PWF pay-per-view events as possible and to have a title that was defended in a unique manner. Unfortunately, as far back as the beginning of the PWF, this was a title that did not live up to its potential. When was the last time you, as a fan, looked forward to an Extreme title match? If you answered anything other than back when Matt Hardy and Kimona stole the title from Chris Jericho, then you're either much more of a Jack Jones fan than the T-shirt market would indicate or just another vampire fan whose only interest in wrestling is to see bloodshed. Rather than being a focal point of the company, the Extreme match each month became little more than a formality, almost a chore to get through, so that fans could get to the GOOD wrestling. The fact that Raven won the title at Aggression isn't even a factor to me, as this is a title that could conceivably have been retired when Chris Jericho gave it up when the Cruiserweight Championship was reinstated, and nobody would have minded in the slightest. I'm sure it's a very sad day for Raven, but life goes on. Then I think back to the time Raven shot himself in the head, and I realize that for some of us, it doesn't.

James A. of Virginia Beach, Va., writes: "HELLO MCFLY! James Ace was the SCW World Champion NINE FREAKING TIMES! What does it take for someone to be on top of your stupid, little champions list, huh? Mr. Perfect has three more title reigns to go before he even TIES with the baddest bad boy rebel of 'em all! And Excellence? That guy's got FIVE titles to go just to tie Ace! Learn to count, bitch!"

Panjabe responds: Oh, such anger.

Michael H. of San Antonio, Tex., writes: "How about a listing of the greatest stables in wrestling? Obviously D-Generation X would top the list, but there must be some fierce competition for that number two spot!"

Panjabe responds: Sometimes even an Internet superstar like myself does not know how to respond to the strange, strange e-mails I receive. Even the most dim-witted of readers should realize by now that the Perfect Team has the top of any such list locked up tighter than, for sake of argument, a duck's rear end. D-Generation X has been far more impressive than I would have expected them to be, with two titles in the PWF to their credit and competitive showings against top stars like Lance Storm and Mr. Perfect, but they're a long way from being the best.

Eric B. of Detroit, Mich., writes: "What the hell are you even on the payroll for? You're one of the most biased, annoying, unbelievably arrogant writers I've ever seen! Hasn't Dominic Jones gotten tired of you yet?"

Panjabe responds: Dominic Jones doesn't have the balls to get rid of me. Who carries ThePWF.com and PWF Magazine? It's sure as hell not him. It sure as hell isn't Eric Bischoff, either. Let's not kid ourselves here, after all. This Web site exists because of the dedication of people who are treated like crap by the establishment, and if there's anyone who wants to deny or discredit that, then just try and see what would happen without us. Got it?

Jim R. of Westville, Okla., writes: "In your expert opinion, who do you think the Million Dollar Man's newfound associate will be?"

Panjabe responds: The Big Boss Man. Duh. Listen to Panjabe, children. It's ALWAYS the Boss Man.

You know what? I grow weary of these tiresome e-mails. I hereby demand that anyone who is not going to e-mail me with any gusto refrain from doing so. Nobody's queries were anything approaching cerebral. I am insulted by the apparent lack of education of my readership. All of you, immediately enroll in an institute of higher learning, then in several years, return with newfound knowledge of the world, and e-mail me again then. In the meantime, if you MUST e-mail me, do not be stupid. I beg of you. I can only take so much of this. This is Panjabe Ishboo, Internet superstar and Boffo Dude, saying good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.